


Judge Not

by DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered



Series: The Lost Correspondences of Sister Lilith, and Shotgun Mary, Who Is Not A Nun [1]
Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Epistolary, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:34:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26275726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered/pseuds/DangersUntoldHardshipsUnnumbered
Summary: While Mary and Lilith are young and still in training, Mary takes off from the Order and goes back home to Chicago for reasons that she does a very poor job explaining before she leaves. She and Lilith correspond in her absence. Here are their letters.
Relationships: Sister Lilith/Shotgun Mary (Warrior Nun)
Series: The Lost Correspondences of Sister Lilith, and Shotgun Mary, Who Is Not A Nun [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1909078
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	Judge Not

Hi Lil.

I know you’re not going to admit you miss me, so I won’t ask. It’s alright. I know you do.

I miss you too, by the way. Even though you’re a pain in my ass. I miss all the girls, actually, but you especially. I know you’re from a fancy family and whatnot, but I think you’d like Chicago. My Chicago. If you ever got it in your head to come visit me, I think you’d like the Piers by the lake, and the Art Institute, and I bet you’d even enjoy some messy barbecued ribs in Old Town, if I got you drunk enough. Sometimes you need to get your hands dirty, Lil. It can be fun.

I know you probably feel betrayed. You don’t really understand, so I’m going to try and explain. You were too upset and too angry when I left, and I don’t think you were really able to listen. And I get that. But I want to try and explain now, now that we have a little time and a little space from that.

I know the Order’s had a hard time finding women up to the job. I feel badly about that, I do. I want you to know that. But, even though Vincent said I could stay without having to take vows, I don’t feel right about it. As much as I love all of you, I feel like I’m not really part of it. I don’t feel like Mother Superion really accepts me. And even though you and me got past our differences, mostly, I always felt there was a little part of you that resented me for it. For not having to give up everything that you gave up. I don’t begrudge you that, you know. I get why you would feel that way. You work harder than anyone.

But I didn’t belong. We both know that. I wasn’t a nun, I wasn’t even raised Catholic, and I didn’t get my skills the same ways you all did.

I just needed to be home. I needed to be where I felt like I belonged: South Side, Old Town, winds that blow off the lake so hard you gotta hang onto the special chains they put up so you don’t get blown right off your feet. If that part sounds a little miserable, well, maybe it is. But it’s my miserable. It’s the kind I know. It’s the kind that’s in my bones.

I’m not like you, Lil. Sometimes I wish I was, at least by a little. Maybe 20%. I don’t know. I’m not great at math.

Miss you,

Mary

********

Mary,

I can’t believe you. You’re right. You didn’t belong here. But you became a part of us all the same. Your reasons for leaving don’t make any sense, and they’re selfish. How could you leave us so abruptly after we had made the effort to accept you?

Not a nun, not even Catholic, wouldn’t take vows, and don’t think we don’t all know that you’ve had girlfriends, even while you were here. Don’t forget I caught you sneaking out more than once to meet that pretty Spanish girl from town. And still, we kept you in our fold.

Mother Superion is stern, and nobody feels as if she likes them, but the truth is, she loves all of her girls. She’s there to look after and protect us. I don’t suppose you remember what it looks like to have someone protecting and looking after you, being that you lost your mother to prison as young as you did. I’m not saying that to be hurtful. I just think it’s to do with why you don’t recognize her for what she is. She cares. She’s just… not a cuddler.

I would understand if you said you wanted to go home because you missed your own mother, wanted to be able to visit with her more. That would make sense to me. But you had a family in us, and you chose to reject it. If you think we’re not going to feel hurt by that, you’re more foolish and self-absorbed than I thought.

Beatrice is my new training partner. She’s better than you. I’m getting better for fighting her every day. You could be here, getting better too, if you wanted.

Chicago in winter sounds awful, and I don’t think I’ll be coming. I hope whatever you’re doing, that you’re satisfied with it.

I don’t miss you,

Lilith

********

Lil,

Isn’t there something in scripture about judge not? Lest ye be judged? I’m not as good with the chapter and verse as you are, but I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes.

You seem awfully hurt for someone who doesn’t miss me. There’s an awful lot of “we” in that letter that I think ought to be “I”.

I know you caught me sneaking out, I haven’t forgotten. And you didn’t rat me out. Even though I know you were mad. The rules didn’t apply to me. I know how you hate that.

I don’t believe for one second that you don’t miss fighting me. I don’t buy for a minute that you don’t miss drinking stolen wine from the sacristy with me, or that you don’t wish I was still around to make you laugh the way those other girls can’t, and I know you miss pretending like you didn’t really think I was funny. You’re not mad because I abandoned the order, you’re mad because I abandoned you.

I’m sorry, Lil. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I knew you’d be mad, but I really didn’t believe it would hurt you this much. Maybe it’ll take you a while before the sting of it fades, so maybe in the spring, you can come visit. If you want. I hope you do. This is my town, Lil, it’s my home, and I promise you, even though it’s not London and it’s not Rome, it’s nice. It means something to me. It made me who I am, like London made you who you are. So, if you actually like me, maybe you’d like to see where I came from.

Maybe I got some things wrong. Maybe I didn’t think it through enough. But I think I need time. Even you can understand that, right?

You’re a good soldier, Lil. The order is lucky to have you. I think they’ll be alright without me.

I don’t care if you don’t miss me because I still miss you,

Mary

********

Mary,

Everything I said is true; we all collectively feel hurt and confused by your departure. But I suppose you’re not wrong in that I take it somewhat personally as well.

That being said, I still can’t help but feel as if you’re lying to me. I suppose it’s possible you don’t even know you are, but I personally worked hard to make you comfortable among us, and Vincent practically treated you like his daughter. You’re smart enough, and you understand people well enough, to see and understand that.

And yes, of course I resented you being able to do whatever you bloody wanted! You know what my upbringing is, you know the pressure I’m under to be pure and holy and become a halo bearer. How could I not resent you?

But that doesn’t add up to me not wanting you here. It never did. Not from the first time you made me laugh, very much in spite of myself. Even when I was angry, it didn’t mean I wanted you to go away. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to simply stop thinking of you as my sister after I made the choice to embrace you.

Didn’t you know that? You’re not stupid. Every family has the child that colors outside the lines, and you were ours. I can’t help feeling that you knew we accepted you, and that something else drove you away. If you’re not being honest with yourself, then you need to spend some time in reflection. If you’re not being honest with me, you’d better start, because I’ll tolerate a non-Catholic, non-nun, non-celibate woman as my sister, but I won’t tolerate a liar. 

Fine, yes, I miss you, you cursed wench,

Lilith

********

Lil,

I saw my mom today. She looks older. I don’t know when that happened. Fifteen years whips by so fast and you don’t even feel it.

She seemed disappointed that I was home. She thought the order was a good place for me, she figured I’d be safe with a bunch of nuns. If she only knew what they were training us for, right? It’s hard not to laugh at the fact that I’m probably safer in the roughest parts of Chicago than I was running around with you all. At least if I’m dealing with a street thug, all they can do is kill me. We don’t need to talk about what a demon can do to you.

Anyway, it hit me that time goes fast, it’s limited, we have to make choices about what we do with it. Because you blink, and whatever you were putting off, it’s gone. You asked me if I was being truthful with myself about why I left. And maybe I was, but not completely. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about it, though, because it’s a lot.

You must be getting ready for your first mission, soon. Have they told you what it’s going to be? I know you’ll fuck that demon right up, girl. And you can’t yell at me for language, because I’m not in a church right now. You always kicked ass, and you always will. I’ll be thinking about you and the team. Maybe I’ll even stop by St. Andrew’s and light a candle for you, if I remember.

Of course I’ll remember. Who am I kidding. I miss your stupid face. I’m gonna pray to make sure nothing happens to it.

I fucking knew you missed me, bitch,

Mary


End file.
